Chapter 9: Guilty Conscience
Buffy ran straight into Fred as she walked out of the guest bedroom the next morning.
“Sorry. I didn’t know anyone else was awake.” Buffy whispered.
“It’s okay. I know it’s kind of early, but I usually like to go for a walk in the morning. Wesley tends to sleep in later now that we don’t have Wolfram and Hart down our butts anymore.” Fred smiled. “Would you like to go with me?”
“Sure, let me just get some workout clothes on.” Buffy nodded as she went to change.
She reappeared moments later in full workout clothing. She and Fred left the apartment building, chatting about little, insignificant details. They stopped for a bagel and coffee about halfway into their walk.
“So, tell me about it.” Fred mentioned as they sat down at an empty booth to eat.
“Tell you about what?” Buffy asked.
“About you and Angel, your guys’ relationship.” Fred replied.
“I’m sure you’ve heard the condensed version already.” Buffy muttered.
“Not really.” Fred shook her head. “All I’ve heard is some little things Wesley has told me but that’s it. Cordelia always said never to mention your name, so it really never came up. I would like to know, though.”
“Angel’s and my past history is kind of...well…it’s complicated, Fred. There’s a lot of pain and suffering.” Buffy said, staring down at her coffee.
“But I’m sure there were good times too.” Fred remarked. “I remember the look on his face when he learned you’d left town over the whole Eve incident. He looked like his whole world had ended. You mean the world to him, Buffy, whether you want to admit it or not.”
“There were good times.” Buffy nodded slowly, avoiding the whole ‘Eve’ thing. “But times change, Fred. Angel and I have been over for many years now. That’s a constant in both our lives that I’ve come to deal with. A part of me will always love Angel, but I can’t do this relationship thing with him anymore. I can’t be second priority in his life to fighting evil. I deserve better than that.”
“Yes, you do.” Fred agreed.
“He doesn’t know I know this, but I know when we were still together all those many years ago in Sunnydale, my mom was the one that ran him off. She admitted it when she was first starting to get sick. As much as I hated her for that, I couldn’t blame her. I know she was only looking out for me. And I know about a day that I should never have remembered, Fred. He has no idea I know about that either. I’ve always known. Even when he turned back the clock, I knew. Not right away, of course, but somewhere in my subconscious, I knew. I kept having these flashes. Sometimes, they’d happen when I was in the middle of pysch class, sometimes they’d happen during sleep. The point is, I started remembering these events. I wanted them to go away, at first. In actuality, that’s what drove Riley to leave. It wasn’t because of his infatuation with getting vampires to feed off him. I felt sort of relieved when Spike told me about it. At least, a part of me knew it wasn’t my fault. See, I wouldn’t let
Riley come too close. In all that time during our intimate relationship, I wouldn’t let him see inside me. Angel was the only man who could look inside my soul, no matter whether it was in battle or in the middle of a heated makeout session. He always knew, he always could see.”
So, why can’t you guys’ get together now?” Fred pondered.
“Because he lied, Fred. He betrayed me.” Buffy spat. “He betrayed our love for that one moment of passion with Eve.”
“They were under the influence.” Fred reminded her.
“That’s not the point. The point is that he could be with someone other than me, and not lose his soul. I’m the one that lets his demon out, I set his soul free. I’m the cause for so many deaths back in Sunnydale. A part of me will always live with that guilt and blame myself. I can’t control myself around him. That’s why I told him when the First was attacking us, that I needed to find myself. You think I ever really did? No, I found myself years earlier, right after Spike got his soul back. I knew exactly who I was, exactly what my purpose was. I let him go, and I didn’t feel one ounce of remorse for it.”
“Why not?” Fred asked her.
“Because I knew that I couldn’t hold on to something that I knew I could never have again.” Buffy told her. “So, that’s basically it. That’s why I can’t ever be with Angel. I don’t trust myself around him. I know what consequences can happen if I get too close. I’m sorry to burden you with this, Fred, really I am.”
“It’s okay, I asked, remember?” Fred shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Buffy. I had no idea you felt this way.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not something I can admit to easily. Not being able to love your soul mate is not a people pleaser, you know.” Buffy told her as they exited the eatery. “But enough about me. Tell me about you and Wesley. Really, the last time I spent quality time with him, he was still a stuffy old watcher. I can’t see him being all non British book guy. What’s he like?”
“He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. Originally, I got together with Gunn. I didn’t give Wesley a chance. To this day, I may never know why.” Fred told her. “It took a couple of years, but Wesley and I did get together. I had been flirting with him for months, and he never noticed it.”
“That’s Wesley for you.” Buffy chuckled. “He was pretty much oblivious when Cordy used to hit on him all the time back in the ‘Dale.”
“I just can’t see that, Wesley and Cordelia.” Fred shook her head.
“It was pretty disturbing, believe me.” Buffy agreed. “Anyway, continue.”
“So, finally, one day, I just pretty much admitted it to him, and then walked right up to him and kissed him. He finally got the hint then. We’ve been together ever since.” Fred smiled. “He’s the most romantic man I’ve ever met. So sweet and attentive. And from the way you talk about him, I can hardly believe that man is my Wesley.”
“Yeah, well it was.” Buffy nodded firmly as they arrived back at the apartment. “So, what’s on the agenda for today? After I work off all this sweat in a nice bath, I mean.”
“Um, well, I guess just talk to the caterers, make sure everything is in order, and that’s basically it.” Fred noticed her shocked look. “I’ve been planning this wedding since I was a little girl. I knew exactly what I wanted. And being married to Wesley is a dream come true.”
“I’m so happy for you.” Buffy smiled. “Now, let me get all this nasty sweat off me and then we’ll go.” Buffy said as she moved towards the bathroom.
“So, what was that about?” Wesley asked as he came out into the living room as soon as Buffy shut the door to the bathroom.
“We got trouble.” Fred pouted. “Major trouble.”
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