Buffy watched as Fred walked to the Hyperion, knowing that she had done the right thing.
Right?
She felt a presence come up behind her and sighed.
“I hate it when you do that.” Buffy told him.
“Sorry, lass. Habit.” Doyle told her.
“I did the right thing, Doyle. I know I did.” Buffy reassured herself. “Don’t you think?”
“I don’t know, myself.” He shrugged. “Delia seems to think so, but I don’t know. When you died before, I remember checking in on him from time to time. Do you remember that?”
“Mmm.” Buffy nodded. “He hides his grief well. I give him points for that. I don’t want him to hold it anymore, Doyle. He needs to grieve. I’m not going back. This is my home now, with you and Cordelia. Why can’t he accept that?”
“Look at it from his point, Buffy.” Doyle suggested. “Here’s a vampire who got a gift, his soul, and has the constant reminder of all those who were subjected to his torture and murder. He finally found love, with you, and then is forced to leave town by the constant prodding of your mom and that former mayor of your town. Then he has that perfect day with you and was forced to take it back so that you can live out your unhappy mortal life. Then, about a year and a half later, you sacrifice yourself to save your sister, who shouldn’t even have existed in the first place. You return to your former life, and hold resentment towards everyone, including Angel himself. Everything’s fine for awhile after you get a grip on reality. Then you almost die in the End Of Days, a battle which Angel was supposed to actively participate in. Instead, you tell him to leave and then turn over the power to Spike, thus choosing Spike over Angel. Then you find out your fate, and you can’t even go to him and tell him that you will die from brain cancer.”
“I couldn’t, Doyle.” Buffy argued. “He wouldn’t have believed me, anyway, and would have fought for a cure that was never there. You know him as well as I do. He can’t accept these sort of things. He thinks it’s a curse, that he was being punished for what he did as Angelus. So, I took an easy way out, is that a crime?”
Doyle remained silent.
“I thought so.” Buffy turned back to watching Fred. “She’ll do real good, Doyle. I know it. It was all for the best, you’ll see.”
***
Fred walked into the Hyperion, where Angel, Lorne, Spike, and Gunn were already ready waiting for her. She smiled sadly.
“Hey.” she nodded.
“Are you…you know, you?” Gunn asked.
“Yeah, it’s me.” she turned to Angel. “Angel, I need to talk to you. What you’re doing is pretty rash, don’t you think?”
“Figures you would say that.” he growled at her. “After all, you’re still alive, aren’t you?”
“I didn’t choose this, you know!” she yelled at him. “You act like I wanted to be here, you know? She chose me, not the other way around. When I died before, it was painful, and I felt like everything inside me was being ripped away for no reason. I was happy where I was, and then I was torn out of there by your girlfriend. So, don’t take this self righteous act with me, Angel. If you hadn’t left me, this never would have happened!”
Angel stopped and looked at her strangely. Fred realized her mistake.
“I have her memories in me, Angel.” Fred explained. “And it kills me to say this, but you have to let her go. She’s not coming back. There’s no Willow here to resurrect her. I know it’s killing you, Angel. I feel like I know her from the way you’ve talked about her, plus the recent addition of her memories and mine, I want to believe that she’s a part of me…And based upon those things, I think that she wouldn’t condone you acting this way. Buffy would want you to move forward, keep fighting. I don’t think she would have done what she did if she didn’t think you could’ve handled it, you know? She would want to move on with your life, or undead life in your case. Grieve for her, Angel, but don’t let her death be in vain.”
“I’m not sure I know how to, Fred.” Angel sighed. “When she died before, I didn’t want to go on grieving. I took those months off, and quite frankly wanted to die with her, despite the lie I told to Cordelia. Then she came back. It was like all that I grieved for was for naught, you know? She wasn’t herself when we saw each other, and I didn’t want to believe it. I was bound and determined to have her be the same old Buffy Summers that I fell in love with. That’s why our meeting didn’t go over well. When I saw her again to give her the amulet, she was better. I think she finally found her place in all of this insanity. I think I even love her more for what she did for you, Fred. The gist is that I’m not sure I’m capable of moving on. She was more important to me than anyone, more important than Cordelia, Connor, even more important than my humanity. Now she’s gone and I can’t bring myself to deal.”
“Who’s Connor?” Fred asked.
“Connor?” Angel repeated.
“Yeah, Connor. You’ve mentioned that name before, Angel. Cordelia, actually Spirit Cordelia, mentioned him as well. Who is he?”
“Guess it’s time for me to fess up, huh?” he chuckled nervously. “Connor…was my son, Fred. He was born from Darla and I. Got kidnapped when he was weeks old, and then he came back from Quortoth, a Hell Dimension. He hated me, almost killed himself and a bunch of innocents when Lilah offered me a chance to give him a better life. The catch was that only I would remember him. So, I took it. He never wanted this life of demons and darkness. I gave him back a normal life. I honestly don’t know why Cordelia knew.”
“I understand why you did that, Angel, but, we shouldn’t keep secrets from each other. We all have kept these secrets and look what it’s done. So, no more. Have any other horrid details you want to share?” Fred commented.
“You remember Marcus, the old guy who I switched bodies with?” Angel asked.
“Yeah, vaguely.” Fred nodded.
“I think he slept with Lilah.” Angel confessed.
“What?” Fred replied, not believing it.
***
“What?!” Buffy yelled from above. “Oh no, Angel. You don’t get away with saying something like that.”
“What are you gonna do?” Doyle chuckled from beside her. “In case you’ve forgotten, lass, you are technically dead, and incorporeal, might I add.”
“Fred saw me.” Buffy reminded him.
“Fred’s your link to the world now.” Doyle remarked. “Anything you need to say, you communicate through her. She’s the only one who can see or hear you now. We’re not meant to communicate with the living world, Buffy. In the case that we need to, every spirit has a vessel that is chosen to communicate through. Fred is yours, just as Cordelia was mine.”
“This is bullshit, Doyle!” Buffy screamed. “When I was here before, the rules were different.”
“Your body didn’t die then like it did this last time.” Doyle reminded her. “When you died this last time, your body was like goo, with no mental structure to it. You can’t appear in that form again because you have no mental awareness of who you are. Fred does. She has your soul and can imitate you. She can speak the way you spoke, act like you, even virtually shapeshift into your body. She is your link to that world, Buffy, whether you choose to accept it or not. You chose to die for a better cause, which is something the Powers are not too happy about right now. You weren’t meant to die for some time yet with that tumor, and Fred wasn’t meant to die at all. The Dark Powers convened and changed this. Their vessel to evil inside Angel’s group was Knox, someone who Fred felt she could trust at the time.”
“He betrayed her, thus sealing his nonexistence.” Buffy growled. “I can’t believe this, Doyle. I can’t believe that I can only communicate through Fred.”
“I’m sorry.” Doyle apologized. “It is not our decision. The Powers decided this and we have to obey.”
He turned around and walked slowly out of the room.
“Sorry’s not good enough, Doyle.” Buffy muttered. “Fuck this. I will make you listen to me, lover, no matter what I have to do.”