Chapter 3
“I really don’t think your car is safe.” Buffy told him when Spike turned around to face her.
“Nothing ever is, Buffy.” Spike sighed. “Get in.”
“Why did I die?” Buffy asked as they drove off.
“I don’t know, exactly.” Spike shrugged. “You wanted to save us, I suppose. Always put everyone else before yourself. I guess you thought you were saving us, and yourself, in some way.”
“I remember the pain, Spike.” Buffy closed her eyes. “The sun eating away at my flesh. I felt all this evil trying to go through me. I remember being rejected by the Powers. They said my death was an event that no one had foreseen. They had thought you would be the one to die. And I saw my mom...and Miss Calendar. Only for a brief moment though. I remember them being so happy, at peace…but they said I couldn’t stay. That I had a life I had yet to complete back here. People who were waiting for me to return. My family, my friends, and Angel.”
“Angel’s--” Spike spoke.
“With Cordelia, I know.” Buffy cut him off.
“Actually, I was going to say confused.” Spike finished. “He loved you, Buffy. And when you died this time, he went into shock. Wanted to kill everything, everyone, good or evil be damned. And after Cordelia became part demon, they grew closer, and he fell for her. I even think he might have been wanting to propose tonight. Biggest mistake of the bloke’s life, if you ask me.”
“And I came back and messed everything up.” Buffy sighed. “I want out of this skin, Spike. I want to be dead. There’s nothing left for me here.”
“Buffy, don’t say that.” Spike shut off the engine. “Don’t give up so easily.”
“Why not?” Buffy retorted. “Everyone else did. Spike, I miss him so much. And seeing him with Cordelia, everything just sort of kicked into place. He belongs with her and Connor. They’re a family. Just like Dawn and me.”
“No, Buffy.” Spike shook her shoulders. “He doesn’t love her. He’s just too much of an idiot to see it.”
“Spike, give it up.” Buffy felt the tears fall down her face and sobbed inwardly. “Stop trying to convince me of something that obviously isn’t real. I have nothing of Angel’s left. I’m just the former girlfriend, who introduced him to his soulmate.”
“You have Connor.” Spike mumbled out loud.
“Spike, that’s not funny.” Buffy remarked. “Connor is Darla’s.”
“Right. Yeah, I know. My slip of the tongue.” the blonde vampire nodded and started driving again. “Look, we’re almost there.”
“Is it bad?” Buffy asked him.
“No.” Spike shook his head. “I think it’s something you’d like. You saved the world, and you got another chance at life in the process.”
“Yeah? Another chance for what, Spike?” Buffy asked. “I never asked to come back this time. God, I must be like a cat. I have nine lives of something. I don’t want to be here, Spike.”
“Then where do you want to be?” Spike asked.
“Dead.” Buffy blurted out. “I want all the pain to be gone. I want to be happy, at peace and I want Angel to feel the same. And he can’t feel that with me here.”
“You’re not happy?” Spike questioned. “What makes you so sure that Peaches is unhappy as well?”
“Spike.” Buffy sighed. “We were both happier when I was dead.”
“Oh yeah.” Spike rolled his eyes. “Neither of you have been happy since ‘99. You two broke up that year, right?”
“Yes.” Buffy nodded.
“Buffy, he loves you. Not Cordelia.” Spike explained and forced her to look at him. “Why do you think--”
“C’mon, Spike.” Buffy shook her head. “I can’t lie to you any better than you can lie to me. And even though I can’t remember everything, I do know this. When you love someone enough, you can let them go.”
“So, that’s it, then?” Spike remarked. “You’re just gonna let your soulmate be with someone who was never and will never be their soulmate? Buffy, when you and I were trying to kill each other, I did know one thing. You love Angel, and he loves you. Hell, you both were willing to die for each other. That love never really goes away. Look, we’re here now.”
“This is the spot?” Buffy asked as she got out of the car. “Amazing.”
“It’s just rubble, Buffy.” Spike pointed out to her. “There’s nothing there.”
“No, Spike.” Buffy argued. “This is what we did. This is proof. Proof that there are bad things out there. Proof that we saved the world, that we made a difference.”
“You saved the world.” Spike corrected her. “We just helped defeat them.”
“Spike, put credit where credit is due.” Buffy told him. “Without you guys helping me, odds are that we’d all be dead. And the First would be ruling us all.”
“You remember that?” Spike asked.
“Yeah, but it’s not all like ‘Ooh, I have my life back’.” Buffy sighed inwardly. “It’s there. All of it. But…I don’t feel it. I feel emptiness, loneliness. Does that make sense?”
“Ironically, yes.” Spike nodded. “Buffy, you’ll figure it all out.”
“That’s just it.” Buffy explained. “I’m not Buffy. Five years ago I was, but now…I don’t want to be Buffy. I want to be normal. I want to do 27 year old things, since I can’t be where I originally want to be. That’s why I’m leaving.”
“Buffy…” Spike replied. “You just got here.”
“Spike, look.” Buffy remarked. “You’ve managed five years without me. You don’t need me here. No one does.”
“You’re wrong there.” Dawn interrupted, getting out of her car. “I need you.”
“Dawn.” Buffy stated her name.
“Can’t believe you’re back again.” Dawn remarked. “It’s pretty surreal…And now you’re just gonna leave town?”
“Dawnie…” Buffy shook her head. “Look, you’re 21, I’m 27. You’ve moved on to bigger and better things since I’ve been gone. College, a serious boyfriend, I’m sure.”
“That doesn’t mean that I don’t need you.” Dawn reminded her. “I do need you. I’ve needed you for the past five years. I mean, who’s going to be there to pummel a guy who breaks my heart? Or bust me out of jail when I get in trouble?”
“You’re too good to get yourself in jail…Dawnie, don’t make this any harder than it is.” Buffy pleaded with her. “Spike, drive me back to Los Angeles. I need to stop and get a few things.”
“I still don’t like it.” He told her as he turned over the engine.
“You don’t have to. Just drive.” Buffy said, taking off her jacket as she got in the car. Dawn noticed a tribal sun tattoo on the small of her back.
“Connor, tell your dad I had to take care of some stuff.” Dawn said as she got into her car. “I’ll call later and explain.”