Chapter 2: Always
~ November 1, 2003~
It’s over. That’s all that I can think about right now. Buffy and I are over….forever. It was all because of my stupidity, and of course, Lorne suggesting that Eve and I have sex.
Why didn’t I stop? I used to able to control my emotions. Now, I can’t even face her. I’ve managed to do what I always do to the ones I love…cause them pain. I killed my son, and the ruined only woman I ever loved.
I never knew love until I met her. She was all the things I wasn’t and all I could ever hope to be. She was the sunlight to my darkness, the happiness to my grief, the….and God, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, the Joey to my Dawson.
Then I blew it. I left her so that she could find someone else. I know that a part of her always and will always never forgive me for that. I mean, why should she?
In addition to that, I erased the only day that we were ever truly happy. She’ll never even remember that, not unless either Cordy or Wesley open their mouths.
I know that will never happen, not now that Cordelia’s in a coma and Wesley wouldn’t dare to go up against me after what happened with Connor.
Seeing her face after knowing that I could never give her the one thing she wanted….It tears me up inside. Not to mention that it was with a girl that I couldn’t give a fuck what happens to.
Spike was there, cheering me on until he saw her face. He loves her almost as much as I do, and if he could’ve staked me right then and there in order to ease her pain, he would’ve done it in a heartbeat. I would’ve urged him on, in fact.
I need to see her, need to feel her, breath in sunshine-filled hair. I know she’ll probably never forgive me; I can’t even forgive myself. I’ve lost the one thing I wanted in 250+ years of existing….I’ve lost love.
Or at least I thought I had until Darla surfaced early this morning. She told me the two things I’d forgotten in all my years of existing.
Number 1: “Love is Forever.”
Number 2: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
For once, Darla was right.